When Monica and I finally accepted the fact that her time was coming she told me that our twentieth anniversary was the one day that she wanted to see us both share together. I remember that conversation as if it happened last night.

She came to bed after taking her evening battery of pills and began to talk to me about her day. As we concluded our evening catch-up ritual, she looked at me with tears building up in her eyes, and said, “I want us to be together on our 20th. Is that too much to ask?”

I responded, “No, baby. We’ll make it.”

“How about if we take the kids to Bermuda?” she said. “Sure.” I replied. Those words sear my skull to this day.

As you all know, Monica’s body failed her just over two months before we would reach our special day.

Even though the disease took her away from me before we could take our trip to Bermuda, I found a way to honor her wish. I took that day off to “be with her” on our special day. At noon on the 12th, I left home and headed to Skyline Drive, where Monica and I had spent many of our early dating and childless married days hiking the park’s many trails and enjoying its many natural wonders. Big Meadows quickly became our favorite get-away spot.

The day couldn’t have been any prettier. The sky was blue with just a few scattered clouds and the air was warm yet dry. It couldn’t have been any more perfect. I kind of had a feeling that she was up there and made it so, but I’ll leave that to another article.

At about 2:30PM I pulled into the Big Meadows Lodge parking lot with full intent of staying the night - either at the lodge itself or in one of the one-room cabins (my personal favorite). Saddling up to the front desk, I asked the receptionist if she had any cabins. She promptly replied “Mr. Cooper, I see that you stayed with us last October…cabin 116. It’s open. Do you want it?” Without even blinking, I said, “Yes!”

Once again, I got that feeling that she was looking down on me and was smiling.

Cabin 116 was the same cabin the Monica and I rented last October. The day before we were supposed to escape to The Meadows, Monica suffered sudden complications to one of her treatments. It prevented her from leaving the area. Upon hearing the news from her that day, I quickly scrambled to find ut what I could do with the reservation. With such short notice, there was no way that I could get a refund on the cabin so Monica told me to “go it alone.” Reluctantly I agreed to go. I figured that I would use the time to think about life and to get grounded.

Let’s just say that it was the loneliest night I ever spent by myself. I knew where Monica was that night and my heart filled with emptiness not having her with me that night.

Side bar… Looking back to that fateful day and as her disease progressed, doing things alone became more of the norm than of the exception.

With the memories of last year fresh in my mind, I decided to make this adventure to cabin 116 far better. Yes, I was once again alone, but I felt closer to her. Ironically I had Monica with me more this night than I did that lonely night last October.

After settling in to the cabin, I established my game plan for the remainder of the day. I started out with a five-mile hike down Dark Hollow Falls trail. That was the last hike that Monica and I did together. As I reached the bottom of the falls, I sat looking up at the rushing water as it cascaded off the rock walls…and I silently wept. The falls made the shape of a bridal veil and of course all I could think of was how beautiful Monica was that day twenty years ago.

As if on automatic, I grasped the silver urn of her cremains that hangs from my neck (on “special” days) and held it tightly. She spoke to me in her spiritual way and it helped me to regain the feeling that all was OK.

After a few moments of happier reflection, I headed back to the top of the trail. I had completed my first “mission” of the day.

Per my September 11 entry in this log this hike became the first-hike -without-Monica. While I struggled a bit during the descent of the trail, a feeling of peace came over me as I returned the top of the trail. I smiled and thought to myself just how enriching that hike was for me… er, us. Once again, that familiar feeling that I would never have to do that first-of again came over me.

By this time it was now about 5PM. Next on the anniversary agenda was dinner at the Big Meadows Lodge. Dinner there was a favorite for Monica and I. We shared many a post-hike meal there. The menu has changed, but the rustic feel of the place, plus the memories of past loving banter set me at ease.

At about 6:45PM I wrapped up my meal. The next objective of the evening was ahead of me… and it was fading fast. I wanted to spend our special hour watching the sun set on Massanutten Ridge (to the west). Our special hour? Yes. We exchanged our vows shortly after 7PM that incredible night 20 years ago. I wanted to spend the hour between 7:00PM and 8:00PM alone with her…as I had promised.

With a bottle of Chandon champagne in hand (left over from the “successful” chemo of last December), I took the trail directly behind my cabin to a rock ledge that overlooks the town of Luray and Massanutten Ridge to the west. Thankfully, the weather held. I witnessed the most amazing sunset I have probably ever seen. The picture below was one I took perhaps two minutes before the sun dipped below Massanutten Ridge.

I popped the cork at about 7:25PM (roughly the time that we shared our vows), said a prayer, toasted to her wellness in Heaven and told her that I loved her.

Again, tears streamed from my face, but this time it wasn’t out of sorrow, it was out of joy. I had granted Monica her final wish. And all was good.

The sun peeked down below Massanutten Ridge shortly after and with one last taste of champagne, I shook the bottle and released all that was left in a carbonated spray to the valley below.

As darkness took over the valley floor, I decided one last mission was in order. With a return to the cabin for a sweatshirt and my now infamous film canister of ashes, I headed off towards Big Meadows proper. I realized that with a moonless night, the stars would be out in all of their beauty. I was correct. As I arrived at the Meadows, I looked straight up. It was the most breathtaking sight I had ever seen. And I thought that the stars were bright at the beach! With no moon and no ambient light to smother the lights from above, the night sky was a canvas of bright stars on a jet black background. I’d never seen so many stars. And the Milky Way?!?! Unreal. All so unreal.

As I began to scan for a place to spread the container of ashes onto the meadows a meteor lit up the darkness. It brought a shiver down my spine. The timing of this shooting star could not have been any more perfect…or spiritual. I kid you not folks, the stream of light that that meteor left was miles of bright blue vapor. Yes, it was that brilliant. I took what was in my film canister and tossed them to the wind. She will always be here with me as she is at the beach.

If only she could have seen the meteor. Then again, I think to myself that she sees that sort of show every night. Perhaps there was more to that particular meteor than we will ever know. For Monica, that vision of beauty of the night sky is the front door to where she is now. I can only hope to meet her there later…when it’s my time.

I can only hope that once again we can view the stars hand-in-hand as we did not so long ago.

So What's Next for You Dale?

I feel that I have reached a milestone of my own. I knew that as the sun set on September 12, I would never have to endure the pain of that day any time in the future. Yes, there will be our 25th, even our 50th. But the newness of my loss will have faded by then. I will toast to her memory always, but I will rest easy knowing that she will always be a part of my life even as life moves on. There is so much more in life to explore. I don’t want to continue to dwell in the past. It is what she wanted for me.

That said, I have started life anew. Just what path do I take?

That beautiful evening on the mountain was closure for me…more so than her Celebration of Life service. I saw to it that her final wish was granted and I know that what I did was good. The promise that I made to her gave me solice.

As I look forward, all I see now are the good times that await. Yes, I will miss her. I will always miss her. And there will be times when the memory of her brings me to my knees, but things will continue to get better overall. Some of you may say to yourselves, “Wait, what about Christmas? Won’t that be hard, too?”

To you I say, “No. Not really.”

Again, yes, I will miss her. Yes, my kids will miss her. That day is about family. But what we shared together doesn’t stop or end on a holiday (divine and holy as it is). I now see special calendar days as days for celebration and reflection, not for sadness. And why should that be so hard to understand?

This seems so hard for me to explain to you, but I know life for me will never be the same, yet I have accepted it. The void that Monica has left will never be filled...by anyone. As such, I cannot waste my time trying to fill it. Yes, I will move forward. I will probably meet someone new who will compliment my life, but no one will ever fill that void. That void is permanent and it’s OK. I just don’t want it to be an ongoing source of pain, sadness and anguish.

The past two weeks of my life have been filled with joy. Both Joey and Jamie are ripping through their new school digs and I have taken the time to begin the re-invention of Dale. We, as a family have to keep moving forward. It is all part of the master plan of healing. And yes, it’s all good.

I am happy. I really am. I just need the time to redefine who I am and where I need to go next. My grieving isn’t over. It’s going to take time (right, Sage?). But I believe that if I continue to look to a bright future, it will come. It’s also what she wanted me to do. It will be the final wish that I need to grant her.

Pennies from Heaven Update

Since my last posting, I have received a handful of letters from this site’s readership.

As promised, here are some snippets from the letters that I received thus far:

From Stephanie F, of Shelton CT

"The attached penny I found at the bottom of the pool as I swam laps months ago. It’s been sitting on my computer keyboard ever since. Now it’s home. The [enclosed] check represents 343 lost/found pennies that have been collecting in a jar on my desk for 11 years. They came from all over the country and even Paris where I found one on the Metro.”

Stephanie: The words “Now it’s home” brought a tear to my eye.

Also, Thank you, but please note that I cannot cash that check (I don’t have any more accounts in Monica’s name), I will place it in my scrap book of memories if that’s OK with you.

From Heather K., of Delaware OH

"…The 1988 one I found on the floor of Riverside Methodist Hospital as I was walking out of work (I am an open heart recovery RN)…"

Heather, you are one of my Angels of Mercy. God Bless you in your work and thank you for your two donations!

From Jeannie S., of Oak Hill, VA

"As we got in the car, we both smelled an awful smell…almost rancid. I had no idea where it came from. We opened all the windows and pulled over in the parking lot. We got out and could not find the source of the smell. I started pulling everything out of the car to find the source. As I pulled out all of my books from the passenger seat, I saw in the middle of the seat, all by itself, was a shiny new 2007 penny. As soon as I touched the penny, the smell went away – just ask M! (Jeannie’s daughter)"

Jeannie, Monica had a special knack for odor eradication. Maybe I need to put a couple in Jamie’s football cleats! ;)

Readers, if you’re keeping track, the penny count now stands at 348. I am probably going to change my donation promise from all of the pennies I collect to now donate $0.50 for each penny that ends up in my mailbox. That means that I owe Avon $174. Keep them coming folks!

If you’re up for this project, send me your penny and your note to:

PFH (Pennies from Heaven)
c/o Monica Cooper
3009 Cross Creek Ct.
Oak Hill, VA 20171

What's New?

From the dad front, nothing much has changed. He continues to battle on like the soldier he is. Like Monica did, he has his good days and he has his bad days. Folks, this is more about his body giving out than it is about his cancer. He is not in tremendous pain like Monica was, but he is much older. Age plays a big role in pain management. Age in this case, is in his favor. His disease isn’t nearly as aggressive, which also helps to keep him more functional. Only time will tell what my next update will reflect.

On Sunday October 14, at 12:30PM, A flowering tree will be dedicated to Monica on the grounds of Floris United Methodist Church in Herndon, VA. (where we had Monica’s Celebration of Life service). I would like to invite any and all of you to attend this event. The tree was purchased by Monica’s former work pals at EDS (Electronic Data Systems). We selected that time as it will be directly following the regular 11:00AM worship service. Ha! Gotcha!