It was wonderful to honor my mom’s birthday evening at one of my favorite local restaurants (Capt. Pells Seafood in Fairfax). After seeing dad in Fairfax Hospital (yes, he’s still in there with a drainage tube still in his chest), my sisters and I took her out for her favorite meal: soft shell crabs. It was nice to take a break from the drama at Fairfax Hospital. Mom needed it. It’s been a sh!tty week for her (and us) and it was nice to get everyone together to celebrate something good for once.

After mom’s birthday meal I headed home for a celebration of my own. At 9:51PM, I lit a candle on the mantle to mark the exact time that Monica passed one month ago. I had a brief chat with her. I told her that I loved her and that I missed her dearly.

As I sat and watched her candle burn, I thought back to all of the craziness that lead up to her final breath and compared it to the heavenly silence that has been the character of my house this past week. I thought about how fitting it was for me to - at last - focus purely on Monica. I felt sad yet at peace. I had her all to myself. I actually enjoy these times. After a few moments of reflection I blew out the candle headed off to bed.

This past month has simply been a whirlwind of activity and emotion. From the day she died until today my life has been concentrated upon getting her things (legal and physical) in order while thinking fondly of my love lost. It’s been a time of sorrow. It’s been a time of healing. It’s been a time of reflection. And it’s been a time of moving on. You cannot imagine the ebb and flow of emotion unless you’ve been in my shoes. Some of you have, I know.

At most times during the day I am focused on work or the kids or some other activity, yet in a flash I am in tears.

It’s the nature of mourning I suppose. I’m fine for most of the time, then all of the sudden I come across something that reminds me of her like a photo or a piece of jewelry. Last week it was a needle point that she had started, but never finished. The pattern that she had started was the word "Love" with a beautiful floral border. When something like that happens I simply break down. I know that it will take time move forward.

Will I light a candle next month at this time? Probably not. I will certainly think of her, but the freshness of her loss will begin to fade by then. I certainly expect to do it at her six month anniversary. Doing the math, that’s December 26, 2007. I find that idea very comforting that in the season of angels, I will have my own angel to remember.

My next milestone with her will be September 12, 2007. That would have been our 20th wedding anniversary.

I am comforted by the thought that she will never leave me in spirit. But I miss her so much. That’s what 23 years of being together with someone does to you. I know that I will never kiss her head again. I know that I will never see her smile. And I know that I will never hear her say to me, “I love you, baby. You are my rock.”

Yep, as the song goes... I’ve got as long, long time to go, before I say goodbye to you…

What's New?

I will be meeting with a financial expert in mid August to discuss creating a private foundation in Monica’s name. Right now, I’m thinking of: The Monica Cooper Children of Breast Cancer Foundation. The intent will be to raise money for young children who have lost their mom to breast cancer. I already have one young lady in mind. She was the daughter of one of Monica’s chemo buddies. Her mom passed away four days before Monica passed. I will have more information on that in mid August. Stay tuned.

At 1:35PM Saturday July 14, I had the great pleasure to report to all of you who were in attendance for Monica's Celebration of Life service that I completed my personal goal of collecting pins for all 50 states of this great nation! My final email came in at about 11AM that morning. While I was able to secure each state, I was also proud to see several representatives from the District of Columbia, and from 15 foreign countries (thank you Canada - I was wondering when you were going to chime in!). The great state of Wyoming was the final state to report. Thanks to all of you who participated in this great project. The only sadness that I have is that Monica never saw the completed project. If you pardon the pun, she would have been tickled pink to have seen every state represented.

In any regard, this project showed us all that our support network truly was global in scale. It just goes to show the power and the reach of the internet... and of the human spirit! Thanks to everyone who participated is this unique project!

THANK YOU, USA!

Alabama - Alaska - Arizona - Arkansas - California - Colorado - Connecticut - Delaware - Florida - Georgia - Hawaii - Idaho - Illinois - Indiana - Iowa - Kansas - Kentucky - Louisiana - Maine - Maryland - Massachusetts - Michigan - Minnesota - Mississippi - Missouri - Montana - Nebraska - Nevada - New Hampshire - New Jersey - New Mexico - New York - North Carolina - North Dakota - Ohio - Oklahoma - Oregon - Pennsylvania - Rhode Island - South Carolina - South Dakota - Tennessee - Texas - Utah - Virginia - Vermont - Washington - Washington, DC - West Virginia - Wisconsin - Wyoming

And thank you folks from the following foreign countries:

Afghanistan - Argentina - Austria - Canada - England - Guatemala - Germany - Ecuador - Egypt - Japan - India - Jordan - Panama - Scotland - The United Arab Emirates